My Friend's Surrender
My personal prayer, my ongoing prayer, has been and is to let go of the control I have exercised in my life. Even more.
It turns out I had an appointment with a dog who gave me a gift around this, on my way home last Sunday. I was driving across the Navajo Nation, almost to Lee's Ferry, when I saw a dark shape in the road. I thought it was maybe one of those pieces of semi tire – I slowed a little and moved over into the oncoming lane of that two-lane highway. I was still going probably 60 or 65. I looked at this thing and it was a black dog. We made eye contact, and held it. It was an electric moment. How can you make still, deep eye contact with a dog 30' away at 65 mph? But we did.
There was nowhere to turn around so I had a couple of miles to have a pinball conversation in my head:
Did I imagine that? Was that dog really alive? It didn't move. It was alive. It wasn't alive. It's dangerous to mess with a wounded animal. I have to go back. I have to get home. What if it's still alive, what will I do then. What if I get bit. What if I have to go find a vet. I have to go back. I don't have to go back. I'm already late. What will I do…
Of course I turned around once I got real and said – Really? NOT go back? Are you kidding?
The dog was alive.
Totally still, and totally utterly peaceful. Peaceful beyond any peace I have ever witnessed. Completely surrendered. The most gentle, loving, surrendered eyes I have ever seen. He couldn't move his back legs. There were abrasions, some blood, not lots – some bleeding from his anus. Many not very good signs. But such a heavenly,peaceful loving look in the dog's eyes.
Absolute trust. Knowing I would come. And that I would come back.
I made a space in my car and gathered the dog up – he was a small to mid sized dog, young, light – maybe 25 pounds. I put him in the car and drove on. I called Marianne and asked her to try to reach Best Friends Animal Sanctuary and see if we could get help – or find help somewhere. I knew there was a high likelihood he was dying but who knows.
I got to Lee's Ferry a few minutes later and stopped again. I had heard him move a bit – I found a quiet place to pull away from everything and sat with him. He was starting into gentle convulsions and I could tell he was going. His eyes stayed clear long enough for me to feel sure he knew he was not alone, and I knew how loving he was feeling to everything, including me. He died. I was there.
It all cracked me wide open. It's like we had an appointment on that road with that Heavenly Dog. He had laid there for what must have been a few hours – his head sideways, flat on the road, facing the oncoming traffic. Watching car after pickup after semi hurl towards him, miss him and go on. Not able to move, not able to do anything but learn to surrender. Somehow he did. By the time I got there, he was completely surrendered.
I have been cracked wide open ever since.
It feels like I am relaxing into the surrender I have been praying for. I had it modeled for me in such a beautiful way. So much has cleared the way, in a good way.
I am cracked wide open and continuing to open up and let down control.
I am so grateful.
To life and to the beautiful heavenly dog and his spirit's, Surrender.