I get asked this question, or a version of it, so often. Can you relate to it?
I'm determined to understand if I've made the right decisions, in my relationship and my life choices. I’m fretting a lot, wondering a lot, trying to make the best of things, wondering if I need to make big changes, not wanting to hurt others. I'm stuck–really stuck, and over thinking everything. It's not just me anymore, and it's not working. There are so many challenges. I am so far from feeling myself. Thank you!
– Stuck in my head
Dear Stuck:
I have absolutely no doubt that you can find the relief you seek. Right now, it's hidden behind all that thinking and second-guessing.
The image that comes to me is of a golf course.
I'm standing on the putting green, hearing your voice from out in the rough. I can see you flailing around out there and I can feel how painful and frustrating it is. My heart is going out to you in a huge way.
The place where I am standing is a place of very centered energy.
This place is available to you as well. The green is here and you can get here. You totally can.
The question of course, is HOW!?
I spent a lot of painful years out in the rough, and I have learned some very specific, real-world things about what it takes to get to the green.
The single most important thing I have learned is that you will not get here by standing over there beating yourself up, questioning and second-guessing yourself, trying to figure it all out in your head. When you do that, you’re like a drowning person, thrashing around when what it is going to take to save yourself is to slow down and breathe, stop the panic and relax into an easy stroke.
As hard as it may seem, the most important thing right now is to let it be OK that you are not here, you are there. No matter how much you want to be here, you are not.
The more you thrash around out there, wishing you were here, making yourself wrong for being there, the harder it will be and the longer it will take to get anywhere else.
What is the thrashing? It is all that thinking. The second guessing, questioning your decisions, not trusting yourself. It's that spin of thinking that just keeps playing: Did I do the right thing? What do I need to do? What do I need to do? I totally messed up. Did I do the right thing?
Right now, that thrashing is eating your life force energy. The most important thing I can do is help create the space for you to relax into letting yourself be OK just as you are, right where you are, so you can reclaim that energy.
Let’s do that here.
Please breathe. Stand where you are and let that place be OK. Let it be OK that you are in the rough. It's OK. It's not permanent.
Letting it be OK does not mean you are giving up.
It only means you are giving up beating yourself up for being where you are. You are giving yourself a breather from thinking you should be somewhere else. You are giving yourself a break from If only I had…If only I hadn’t…should I? Shouldn’t I?????
For right now, just breathe and give yourself space. Imagine giving yourself one square foot to stand where you are completely OK, you don't need to be anywhere else or anyone else. On this little piece of turf you are OK right now. Just for now. Let yourself be OK. Let yourself FEEL it.
Remember: this does not mean you are giving up and settling. Quite the opposite. You are breathing, and gathering your energy.
You can't take a meaningful step in any direction until you come to rest on a firm piece of ground where you can stand and catch your breath and remember who you are. Remember who you really are.
As you stand on that patch of ground, on that foundation, you will allow yourself to breathe, and when you're ready you will begin to make small – even tiny – life affirming choices that serve you. Trust that you will make those steps – when it's time. When you have rested. The place of rest is first. The place of rest is critical. Gather your energy.
Here's a tool to help with this:
Say this to yourself:
I used to question myself and every single action mercilessly, and never give myself a break.
Now I notice that I am finding ways to be able to relax all that thinking, and just be peaceful for a minute. I am able to breathe.
And it feels SO GOOD.
What a relief.
Thank you. (Be clear on this: You are thanking yourself, and thanking life.)
I walk you through how this works, and give the explanation of why it works, in this 6 minute video: https://scoutwilkins.com/put-past-tense/